Interview with Jo Maeder, Author of When I Married My Mother

Jo Maeder is the author of a memoir about the time she spent caring for her aging mother. It’s called When I Married My Mother: A Daughter’s Search for What Really Matters—and How She Found It Caring for Mama Jo. I recently read and reviewed When I Married My Mother, and I’ve been recommending it to everyone I know since. I really think lots of women will find Maeder’s story inspiring, and I asked if she could answer a few questions for readers at Mother Daughter Book Club.com. Here’s the interview.

Joe Maeder photo

Joe Maeder with Mama Jo

You faced a lot of challenges in getting everything set up to take care of Mama Jo. What was one of the biggest?

JM: Looking back, the hardest part was dealing with my mother’s decline long distance and trying to figure out what to do. My mother was also a hoarder who refused to throw out one thing, let a stranger in to help, or relocate. She was in Richmond, VA, I was in the New York City area, and my brother was 4 hours from Mama Jo in Greensboro, NC. We relied on her neighbor and best friend a lot but there’s only so much they could do, or we could ask them to do. In the book I talk about how I convinced her to give me Power of Attorney and the ordeal of getting her moved to Greensboro—where I also moved. I called it Operation Mama Jo because it felt like a military maneuver. It took a Herculean effort by many to accomplish our mission. But it was so worth it!

Moving from a Manhattan lifestyle to a life in small town North Carolina must have been a huge change for you. What do you miss most about your old city life? What was a pleasant surprise about your new town?

JM: There’s so much I don’t miss about New York: the high cost of living, the swearing, the horrible winters, the ordeal of just parking your car. What I do miss are my friends and the socializing, and the unmistakable energy of the northeast in general and the city in particular. What surprised me the most about living in the South was how charmed I was by the people I met everywhere I went. There’s definitely an “Andy of Mayberry” undertone but there’s also a sophisticated vibrancy I didn’t expect.

How was your perception of what life would be like taking care of your mother different from the reality?

JM: It was completely different. She became the sweetest, funniest person and I smoothed out a lot of my rough edges, too. The things I thought would be a problem, like her hoarding, her anger, her inability to get anywhere on time, were not issues at all. Problems I never dreamed would come up—snakes, the giant jumping wolf spider, bats, septic coming up in the front yard—were the stressors.

There must have been many days you wondered whether changing your life to care for your mother was worth it. How did you get through those?

JM: I never doubted it. After three years, though, I did begin to wonder if I would still feel that way if she lived another ten years. It was extraordinarily fulfilling but all-consuming, too. Now I wish she had lived longer. I miss her so much. Our time together was some of the best years of my life. And we had pretty much gone our separate ways when I was 14. That was probably why it was so good. We had a lot of catching up to do.

Do you have any advice for others who are considering caring for an elderly parent?

JM: I know most people can’t do what I did – leave their present lives and move somewhere else to care for a parent while working from home. What’s important is that resentment doesn’t fester. If you can’t handle it, don’t feel guilty about it. You’ll have to make hard choices. You’re not alone. I have some specific eldercare tips on my site at: http://www.jomaeder.com/links/elderly

Is there anything else you would like to say to readers at Mother Daughter Book Club.com?

JM: One thing that became clear to me is that even if you have plenty of money in your old age to hire caregivers (which my mother did not), you still need someone you can trust to manage everything from doctor appointments to hair cuts to helping you stay in touch with your friends. All you can do is show kindness and compassion throughout your life and pray that it will come back to you.

The other point I’d like to make is how deeply I regret not getting over my Mother Issues a lot sooner. I know we both had to surrender to get to this wonderful place where we could love each other and enjoy each other’s company, but I still wish it hadn’t taken so long. I hope any Mother/Daughters reading When I Married My Mother will find that it opens up a dialog between them that perhaps they’ve been avoiding, from misunderstandings to the practical end-of-life issues. One young woman told me, “I had a great conversation with my mother after I read your book about her stuff—what she wants me to keep and what the stories are.” That made me smile. In the end, all we have are our stories. The time I had with Mama Jo gave me an amazing one.

Book Review: Foiled by Jane Yolen

Foiled

Fencing is Aliera’s life. Every day she goes to school then heads to fencing practice. She even fences on weekends when she’s not visiting her disabled cousin. Fencing makes her feel strong, and she’s good at it. She takes her fencing teacher’s lessons seriously, particularly the one that says to guard her heart. That’s why she resists when cute, popular Avery starts to show an interest in her. But since he’s her lab partner in school she can’t avoid him forever.

Foiled by Jane Yolen is cleverly put together to correspond to action in a fencing match. Each of the fencing moves has a corresponding part of the story to go with it. Mike Cavallaro does an excellent job of illustrating both Aliera’s gray colorblind world and the color she sees later, when the story takes a twist.

The story touches on lots of middle-school-aged worries, such as popularity, kissing for the first time, and dating. Be aware though: near the end of the novel it morphs from this storyline into a fantasy graphic novel. The tone changes then from using fencing as a metaphor for life relationships into actually using fencing skills for protection. It’s easy to see when this happens, as the drawings turn to color, but the switch may be confusing to some.

It seems as though this is the first in a series for the new storyline, and it could be fun to follow it along as the story continues to play out. Aliera is a strong female character who is not afraid to show her strength. Recommended for readers aged 9 to 12.

Books to Help You Love the Earth

Today is Earth Day, and to help celebrate I’m offering up a list of books with an earth-friendly story for mother-daughter book clubs and other readers.

Operation Redwood by S. Terrell French—Julian is staying with his aunt and uncle in San Francisco when he discovers a plan to cut down a redwood forest. He teams up with Robin, Danny and Ariel to help save the trees. Ages 9 to 12.

Fern Verdant and the Silver Rose by Diana Leszczynski—Fern discovers she has a special gift that allows her to speak to plants. She must use her newfound ability to help her mother, who is being held by an evil man who wants to manipulate this gift to his own purposes. Ages 9 to 12.

The Hermit Thrush Sings by Susan Butler—Leora lives in the future after a meteor crashing to Earth changed life as we know it. People are forbidden to leave the village, told by their leaders that Birmbas will kill them. When Leora frees a baby Birmba trapped in her basement, she embarks on a journey to set it free and discovers the truth about her world. Ages 9 to 12.

Girlwood by Claire Dean—Searching for her runaway sister, Polly finds a magical place in the woods she calls Girlwood. When a local developer wants to raze the trees and put up housing in this spot, Polly feels she must save it to also save her sister. Ages 13 and up.

Hoot by Carl Hiaasen—Roy is a new kid at a new middle school with new bullies when he sees a boy running outside his bus one day. His curiosity about the boy leads him to make new friends and help save an endangered species. Ages 10 to 13.

Tangerine by Edward Bloor—Paul is legally blind and overshadowed by his football-hero brother. When his family moves to Tangerine County, Florida, Paul rejects his upscale school for one with a poor reputation so he can play soccer. As he discovers more about the accident that blinded him, he turns his town and his family upside down. Ages 10 to 13.

The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett—Mary is an orphan left mostly to fend for herself in her uncle’s castle. When she discovers her crippled cousin, Colin, she finds a way to bring life back to a hidden garden and the family that has taken her in. Ages 9 to 13.

Torched by April Henry—Ellie finds herself infiltrating a radical Earth-rights group for the FBI so her parents can get leniency on a marijuana charge. As she gets closer to members of the group, she becomes conflicted over supporting the group and its goals or turning them in. Ages 14 and up.

Interview with Debbie Levy, Author of The Year of Goodbyes

Debbie Levy photo

Debbie Levy

Last month I reviewed Debbie’s wonderful book, The Year of Goodbyes, which was about her mother’s last year in Nazi Germany before the family left for the U.S. The book revolves around entries in Jutta’s poesiealbum and her diary. I really loved the simple way the story came to life through the thing’s Jutta’s friends said to her and what she wrote in her own journal. This month, I was able to ask Levy a few questions about the book, and her answers help me like it even more! Read on to see what she has to say.

Why did you decide to write this story of your mother’s last year in Germany before her family fled to the U.S. from Nazi Germany?

DL: I thought my mother’s story illuminated not only the history of the era but also a universal experience (unfortunately) that readers young and old would find compelling and worth knowing—living as a member of a scorned group, clinging to normalcy in the face of a crazy world, wanting desperately both to flee and to stay in the place that is your home but also your oppressor.

Another why: I’ve often heard people say, with respect to Jews who were caught in the maw of Nazi Germany’s terror and the Holocaust, Well, why didn’t they just leave?  Why did they stay and let this happen to them? As if something like the Holocaust could be predicted or even imagined, as if the lives these families had in Germany and the countries overrun by Germany were trivial, easy to leave behind. They were not, and I wanted to convey that.

Had you heard many of the stories from that time while you were growing up?

DL: When I was growing up in the 1960s and early 1970s, there was little talk in our home about my mother’s childhood in Nazi Germany.  I would say that my mother attempted to erase her German childhood; if you met her, you would certainly not think she was from any place other than East Coast, U.S.A.  (She doesn’t have even the slightest German accent).

Still, some things emerged, even when I was still a girl. I came to know of her great love of napoleon pastry (!), which is mentioned in the book. I came to know of her almost visceral aversion to certain brands of German automobiles—they reminded her of cars that brought Nazi soldiers and police to her neighborhood. I knew she adored her father, and loved their father-daughter time together. I knew that her father moved heaven and earth to get his little family out of Germany.

What about the poesiealbum? Had you seen that while you were growing up and talked to your mother about it?

DL: Again, when I was growing up—no, we did not talk about it. If I happened to see it, I did not get to examine it, much less appreciate it. It wasn’t until I was in my twenties that my mother showed me her diary. The poesiealbum came even later than that.

How was it collaborating with translators and how did you find the people you worked with?

DL: I found my main German translator through the American Association of Translators. She actually knew about the tradition of poesiealbums from her German mother, who still lives in Germany. (Although my mother and her friends were Jewish, the poesiealbum tradition wasn’t a Jewish thing; it was a European thing.) As a prose translator, though, she didn’t feel comfortable attempting to translate the poesiealbum entries as poems. This was fine with me, as I wanted, to begin with, simply to have them rendered into English without the overlay of trying to insert rhythms or rhymes to reflect the original German. I took her basic translations, as well as information she provided about where the German rhymed and about German idioms, and reworked where appropriate to give a greater sense of the original—such as the presence of rhyme or of playfulness, for example.

Then I took this work and ran large portions of it by at least two other German speakers—one, a colleague of my husband, the other, one of my mother’s surviving childhood friends from Germany. The poesiealbum also includes entries in Polish and French, and I relied on friends and friends of friends for help with translation.

So as you can see, the translations were a gradual process.  This is why, as I mentioned to you, I felt like I was watching images emerge from the developer tray in a photography darkroom.  Over time, the sense of the words became clear and, it seemed to me, my mother’s friends and relatives revealed parts of themselves through what they chose to write in my mother’s poesiealbum.

How did your mother feel about her poesiealbum and diary becoming a book?

DL: I think she feels a complicated mixture of happiness, sorrow, embarrassment, humility, and gratefulness.  Happiness for me, because she knows that telling the story mattered to me.  Sorrow for the friends and relatives who didn’t survive the Holocaust—and whom she has been called upon to think about again and again during my repeated and probing interviews of her.  Embarrassment, as in—who am I, to have a book published about me?  Humility, which accompanies the embarrassment.  And gratefulness, simply because she is here—she did escape Nazi Germany all those years ago.

What did you find to be the most rewarding part of working on this project?

DL: The book gave me the opportunity to spend a lot of time with my mother.  We took two overnight train trips—we both love trains—during my research and drafting stages, which gave us long, uninterrupted hours of conversation about her past.  That was very rewarding.

What was the most difficult aspect of it?

DL: The most difficult aspect was investigating what happened to the people of my mother’s poesiealbum. And by “difficult,” I mean both exceedingly sad, as well as challenging. Sad: Of the 30 people who make an appearance in the book, half were killed in the Holocaust. Challenging:  There is no one-stop resource that a researcher can go to for definitive information on people who were killed in, or survived, the Holocaust, although databases maintained by Yad Vashem (the Holocaust research center and museum in Jerusalem) and the U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum (in Washington, D.C.) are extremely useful.

Did anything surprise you?

DL: Finding out that there is a street in Yerres, France (outside of Paris), named Rue Guy Gotthelf, after my mother’s cousin, who wrote a beautiful entry in her poesiealbum—that blew me away.

What do you hope readers will feel after reading The Year of Goodbyes?

DL: I hope they’ll feel a kinship with the story’s girls, even though they lived a long time ago in another country. I hope they’ll think about the consequences of intolerance and racial hatred.  (Remember, the Nazis viewed Jews as a separate and inferior “race”—their ideology of hatred wasn’t simply religious intolerance.) I hope they’ll be cheered by the loveliness of friendship. I hope they’ll be as taken with the emotional power of the handwriting reproduced in the book as I was, and that it will remind them that every victim of tragedy and every target of oppression is a person with thoughts, hopes—and a distinct handwriting.

Ten Mother-Daughter Book Club Favorites

I’ve written a post called Ten Book Club Favorites for Ramblings of a Texas Housewife. All of the books on the list have been favorites of one of my groups over the years, and they’re divided into age groups, starting with books recommended for 9 to 10 years olds and going up to books for ages 14+. I hope you find something to like when you check out the list.

Book Review: How to Survive Middle School by Donna Gephart

How to Survive Middle School cover imageDavid Greenburg is 11 years old and about to start middle school. He’s not too worried until his older cousin Jack tells him about the horrors he may face, including a toilet-bowl swirlie on his birthday. David has other worries on his mind too: his mom left the family to live on a farm in Maine that has no electricity or phone service, his best friend Elliott no longer speaks to him, and his older sister Lindsay is hostile a lot of the time. The only good thing he has going is his grandmother, Bubbe, the TalkTime videos he records and posts on YouTube, and his pet hamster.

Things start to look up when he meets Sophie on his first day of school. Sophie is just starting public school after being taught at home by her mom, and she loves David’s videos. When she spreads the word about TalkTime through her homeschool network, David’s videos suddenly become way more popular than he is, leading to consequences both good and bad.

How to Survive Middle School by Donna Gephart is a funny and poignant look at a trying time of life for most adolescents. The comforts of elementary school are gone, some kids are maturing way faster than others, teachers are stricter, and new friendships are forming while old ones may be falling away. Bullies may be more of a problem. Gephart does a great job of showing how conflicted David feels about so much going on around him.

Mother-daughter book clubs with girls aged 9 to 12 will find a lot to talk about here—friendships, family relationships, relating to parents after divorce, pets, YouTube, and both the rewards and pitfalls of growing up. You may also want to serve Bubbe’s Jewish Apple Cake (recipe included at the back of the book) when you get together to talk about this book.

I laughed a lot and cried a little while reading How to Survive Middle School, and I highly recommend it. You may also want to check out the YouTube video of HammyTime.

The author provided me with a copy of this book in exchange for my honest review.

Book Review: Horrid Henry’s Joke Book by Francesca Simon

Horrid Henry is at it again, although this time he’s really trying to make us laugh. Horrid Henry’s Joke Book, which is written by Francesca Simon and illustrated by Tony Ross is the latest in the series of stories about this rascally little boy who’s always trying to get away with something.

These jokes are exactly the kind that my daughter would have appreciated when she was seven to 10 years old. I know she would have told this knock-knock joke over and over again and expected her dad and I to laugh each time:

“Knock. Knock.

Who’s there?

Cows go.

Cows go who?

No they don’t, they go moo.”

The jokes are silly and often play on words, which is what many young readers adore as they are just learning the ins and outs of language. And because it is a Horrid Henry book, the jokes are grouped into categories that match Henry’s style. For instance, you’ll find Mummy’s Curse Jokes, Gross-Out Jokes, Scary Sitter Jokes, Underpants Jokes, and more. And of course, there’s a section for Perfect Peter’s Favorite Jokes, which Henry begs everyone not to read. Despite the banner that says, “Warning: Too rude for parents!” on the front cover, moms and dads should have fun reading these with their early readers.

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